Bioslam - June 15th 2019
Bioslam is set to take place on June 15th, 2019. Card As we journey into the anatomy of Mother Worm, we'll see the following: ------------ The Mad Bladder in Action! ------------ In the renal system, we'll pay a visit to a sentient bladder! And you KNOW you can't talk renal without mentioning MB's close friend, the 1-2-3 Kidney! Sounds good. Luigi Primo vs. Bull DeCroix ------------ In the colon, we'll see Luigi Primo, an extremely Italian pizza chef, do battle with Bull DeCroix: a train-obsessed railyard cop! What do Luigi's pizzas and Bull's train tracks have in common? You shouldn't put quarters on either! Even so, one of these competitors is bound to get FLATTENED! The Dumpster Babes vs. The Platinum Partners ------------ The cloaca...the most mysterious of all organs! Are we going to have a wrestling match there? "Unfortunately yes!" Crybaby and Sweetie Tuff -- these 2 magical beings are PWR's newest tag team: THE PLATINUM PARTNERS! Can the BLINDING RADIANCE of their bond weather the garbage storm of PWR's NASTIEST, MARRIEDEST COUPLE -- Pink Eye and Babyface? It's time...for Baby Time! Live Surgery with Gary The G.O.A.T ------------ ENTER THE SINUS CAVITY! Gary's getting a great deal on some surgery to permanently fix his allergies. Should be fine! Dan "the Man" Ziglar vs. Dock Master {c} (Necroweight Championship) ------------ For years, Dock Master has solemnly protected the docks of Nova Scotia and the sanctity of PWR. As the NECROWEIGHT CHAMPION, his solemnity has grown deeper, bloodier and more brooding. Meanwhile, Dan Ziglar has alternately disrespected and defended the the Multiverse. This irreverent former branding-icon now seeks to defeat his old rival at any cost! The quintessential PWR battle continues... Skip Rathbone's Stomach Challenge: feat. Arbitro Obscuro and Alexandra Cage (the No Crime Pals) ------------ ULTIMATE GUTS! PWR's cybernetic quizmaster has found his way to Mother Worm's stomach, and that means just 1 thing: indigestion! It also means there will probably be a weird gameshow, so it actually means 2 things! Uh oh...But The NO CRIME PALS STRIKE BACK with the effervescent fury of calcium carbonate! Alexandra Cage + Arbitro Obscuro meld their respective powers of RESISTANCE and JUSTICE to reclaim the food-zone! ~~~ Big Daddy Bolero vs. Puggin'Head {c} ------------ Let's get to the HEART OF THE MATTER...at the center of the circulatory system, we'll witness the MAIN EVENT! PUGGIN'HEAD is YOUR PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPION. From PWR's smallest guy to PWR's most venerated little man, Puggy has bested larger, stronger, and more ruthless opponents! Now he faces his ultimate challenge: Biggy Daddy Bolero! The mean man from Dallas has found his way into the Worm. Now, he's begun to hatch his plan to dominate from the inside-out, by leasing Her organs to various bad dudes! Can Puggy stop him?! Can WE stop him?! Come on June 15th to help! ------------ ~~~ You think that's all?! No way, don't be bonkers! Other stuff is going to definitely happen: - Hot Dog {c} in action: PWR's crustiest punk will hopefully still be alive and mentally alert on June 15th! Our GARBAGEWEIGHT CHAMPION will hopefully put his belt on the line! - Ralph Machiatto goin' wild: This berzerk barrista will let loose his wrath! ..and even more! Post Show Write Up Mother Worm's Invaders Thwarted--New Champion Crowned--Dallas Comes Calling-- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Look into my eyes...can you still see the shimmer of BIOSLAM? INVOKE THE CORTEX as we dissect last Saturday's experience! In the main event, PUGGIN'HEAD hit a match-ending flying lariat that scored him a 3-second pin! But when he arose, he wasn't the champion. Something was wrong. The room was upside down. Fate itself was reeling and goofy from several kicks to the head. Please, let me slow down; let me back up! *********************** Mother Worm Misdiagnosed, Eats Audience ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The night started normally. A giant, cosmic Snake was meeting with not one, but TWO DOCTORS. This fulfilled PWR's "Two-Doctor Promise." But these lackadaisical physicians prescribed our precious Worm some useless REPCAL pills. Luckily, TIMMY QUIVERS was also in the pill bottle, for some reason, and had a better diagnosis! Mother Worm needed to eat a different medicine - US! We jumped down her esophagus, determined to find the cause of her ills and, if we could, heal them! *********************** Mad Bladder and 1-2-3 Kidney Flush Ralph and Sprida ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our incredible journey took us first to the renal system. Ralph Macchiato had coerced SPRIDA into waging LIQUID WARFARE on 2 of Mother Worm's wayward processing organs, THE MAD BLADDER AND 1-2-3 KIDNEY. The hideous coffee/soda combination was too much for the athletic filtration duo, and they were soon overloaded with beverages, literally and figuratively! But once "relieved," RENAL REVENGE WAS WROUGHT upon the Bev Boys. Sprida nearly pulled the win, but Ralph's tag-team dysfunction and managerial obsessiveness gave the match decisively to their opponents in a spectacular power-bomb-suplex combo! This led to Ralph FIRING AND SLAMMING Sprida! *********************** Hot Dog {C} Defeats Bench Horse, Sways Voter, Retains Title ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next stop: THE SKELETON! We went inside the skeleton! This would be a GARBAGEWEIGHT TITLE MATCH between our reigning champ, Hot Dog, and undecided skeleton voter, Ken Bones! Before the bell could ring, BENCH HORSE emerged and ripped out the ambivalent bone-man's spine! THE HORSE wanted THE BELT, and he set to his work! Hot Dog took a horse-whipping, and staved off certain doom by blasting out his entire trash-arsenal. Finally, in a miraculous reversal, a bone-bereft Ken Bones teamed up with the Garbage Champ to deliver a chilling DOUBLE SUPLEX ONTO SOME BONES! Hot Dog finished the job with a trash-covered, assisted lateral press, retaining his title against the furious horse! That's rasslin'. *********************** Dumpster Babes {C} Defeat Platinum Partners, Commit Travesty ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The journey of Worm continued...to the cloaca! "Just fine!" The PLATINUM PARTNERS were here to challenge the DUMPSTER BABES for their BEST FRIENDS FOREVER belts! Well, the Babes didn't like this, and neither did some PROTESTERS who came to ringside to yell. These sign-swingers named the DUMPSTERS BABES the "TEAM OF FAMILY VALUES." The Partners paid no heed; they were wagering the strength of their FRIENDSHIP, PARTNERSHIP, and WARRIORSHIP against that of the nasty trash dogs! And it was working...the shining kismet dominated! It wasn't long before the Babes' resorted to low blows and ref-distraction to separate their magical opponents. After enlisting the help of the protesting interlopers, Crybaby was hoist upon a GIANT PROTEST SIGN and flogged! This was unbelievably illegal! After the ref stopped this cruelty, the protesters turned against the Babes, and EVERYONE IN THE RING decided to clear those dweebs out! It looked like the match would end with new friendship - but instead, it terminated in CATASTROPHIC BETRAYAL. The Dumpster Babes suckered in the Platinum Partners and hit a DUMPSTER DRIVER for the 1-2-3. But Crybaby and Sweetie Tuff's partnership shined on - stronger than we'd ever seen it! *********************** Alexandra Cage + Arbitro Obscuro Defeat Skip Rathbone + Mightocondrion ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hitching a ride on some massive enzymes, we made our way to Mother Worm's stomach. Skip Rathbone had laid claim to it; but this claim was sorely disputed. Yes, the NO CRIME PALS said NO to this CRIME of arbitrary gut-squatting! Skip summoned forth a fierce organelle to fight on his behalf: THE MIGHTOCONDRION! This MACROSCOPIC GLADIATOR proved his wrestling ability, but Arbitro's agility and Cage's strength kept it on its pseudopod! The match went back and forth, and it appeared that Skip's cybernetic wiles would tip the scales. But the NCP divided and conquered. With Skip tossed outside the ring, Arbitro cinched in a facelock on the Mightcondrion, and Cage thrust her partner into a backflip, smashing the organelle's face into the mat! Mother Worm's stomach had been cleansed! *** Into the Sinus - Gary the G.O.A.T Defeats Dr. Trahma, Sustains Injury ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wrestling hurts. Every match brings the risk of injury and pain, but our hope has always been that no competitor be maimed or disfigured in a match. That hope was dashed on Saturday. After calling off his LIVE MEDICAL PROCEDURE when the doctor pulled out a power saw, Gary was ready to fight his way out of the SURGERY CONTRACT he had signed. Gary and Dr. Trahma threw down with spectacular strikes and slams. PWR's G.O.A.T even hoofed his way through Dr. T's cattle prod and chair attacks! Even as Gary's anesthesia kicked in -- even when faced with a pathological aversion to blood -- Gary slammed the bad doctor and hit an AMAZING GOAT SPLASH for the win! But Gary's anesthesia gained its final grip. The sinister MURSE was quick to chloroform the ref, and Dr. Trahma fulfilled her vile surgery. Gary had won the match, but lost a horn. *********************** The Craw of Worm - Dock Master {C} Defeats Dan The Man, Retains Title ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As Dock Master, with an uncharacteristic, daemonic grin beckoned Dan to enter, he got no response from his challenger! But then - the lights went out, and a dark-eyed, black-haired Dan entered the ring. His return to HELLSPORT had wrenched the color from him, and he looked determined to defeat his old foe. But Dock struck from behind and started the match on uneven footing. He cunningly targeted the right arm of Dan, attempting to limit his arsenal of moves. Dan fearlessly thew everything he could at his opponent. Dock always answered in kind, and finally, his arm crushed, his back smashed by powerbombs, Dan somehow locked in THE VISIBLE HAND OF CAPITALISM! It was over! But what was this? Dock Master kicked out at 1, and brought Dan back to where he'd been many times before - high above the ring in the BLUENOSE suplex hold. Dock had won again. Despite being fueled by Hellsport nanites and burning enmity, Dan could not beat his old foe. He had bigger problems, though. Dock Master seemed to be listening to something as he looked upon the Necrobelt. He went after the unconscious Dan, seemingly to kill him! He would have hit a deadly BLUENOSE had not referee Arbitro Obscuro intervened! With Dan defeated, but seemingly alive, and our hearts longing for the Dock Master we knew, the Dock Master we had skulked off with a cruel grin. With him went the cursed Necroweight Belt. *********************** Bull DeCroix Defeats Luigi Primo, Toppings Come Home ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our next station was the COLON of Mother Worm! There, we saw Bull DeCroix and his TRAINWASHED retinue of living Pizza Toppings! Luigi would NOT let this stand, and tried to snap Spinach, Olive and Anchovius out of their delirium - through wrestling! Luigi used many pizza-making techniques on his larger opponent, but Bull's LOCOMOTIVE CHARGING ATTACKS leveled him. Luigi had to become like pizza himself - and he FLUNG his body through the air, finally gaining an advantage! But before he could capitalize on this with a top-rope splash, THE TOPPINGS tried to stop him, distracting Luigi long enough for Bull to gather himself and hit the COUP DE CROIX! And that was the end. Or was it? Bull tormented his beaten-down opponent by asking him to choose which of his former wards he would feed to some tapeworms first. When Luigi refused, Bull's goons brought out Pastaman! Spinach was given the job of finishing off the spaghetti-bound homunculus. But Luigi begged for the life of his son, and Spinach saw compassion, turning on Bull and his goons! The Primo family had triumphed. But it cost them Spinach, who, wilted from the digestive system of Mother Worm, collapsed. His explosive betrayal of Bull had ended his life. The Primos wept over their companion, and poured water on him in tribute. But wouldn't you know it! That's all he needed; he was just dehydrated! Spinach popped up on his feet, and the colon was a place of celebration that night. *********************** Heart of the Champion - Big Daddy Bolero {C} Defeats Puggin'Head, Becomes Champion, Blasphemes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********************** Now, we were HEARTBOUND! Here Puggin'head would stand up for Mother Worm, and continue to protect PWR's values of sport, courage, and PARTY VIOLENCE! But Big Daddy Bolero had gotten the drop on the small, courageous man, and beat on him from backstage to the ring! The entire body of referees broke up the melee, and Puggin'head had chance to give up this UNFAIR FIGHT! But instead, he called for the bell! The match was on! Big Daddy Bolero punished our tiny champion with his feet and hands. Until - a missed elbow drop from BDB fired up Puggy enough to hit a series of clotheslines! It was on! Puggin'Head was in this fight. Referee "Smooth" Vernie Vegas was even knocked out by a wayward BDB boot. Puggin'head hit his Shooting Star Press, and the match should have ended right there. But the ref-substitution took time, and when Stephen Zuigiri, PWR's only TRIPLE DOCTOR OF PARTY VIOLENCE, finally subbed in as the ref, BDB was kicking out of Puggy's pin. Their battle went in and out of the ring. Chants of "Dallas sucks" and "He's a real boy" buoyed the heart of our champion -- there in the Heart of the Worm. And here we were. PUGGIN'HEAD hit the flying lariat I'd mentioned earlier. But Vernie Vegas had woken up, and yanked Zuigiri out of the ring mid-count! When the Zuigiri was finally up, Bolero had used the title belt to interrupt a second Shooting Star Press. A huge boot to little Puggy's head followed, and the ref had no choice but to give an agonized 3-count. The ring warped with strange colors, and the fitted belt of Puggin'head transformed into a monstrous golden strap bearing Big Daddy Bolero's skeletal visage. We had a new Partyweight Champion. Then, the truth was revealed. Bolero's intent was never to take over the insides of Mother Worm. He had merely created the circumstance to get a title shot. And now that he had the belt, he knew Mother Worm couldn't hurt him. He rejected her, tried to rebuke her. He promised to rule the Multiverse in her stead. *********************** We didn't reject Mother Worm, though. We still believe in the Lifelike Snake. In fact, our showing of TRUE PARTY VIOLENCE seems to have driven out those who tried to claim her organs, curing her physical ills. But now, we have a worse sickness to contend with. This disease is more sinister; this is heartache. Surely it hurt her heart to see the title change hands in this way. But the heart still beats, and we won't give up hope. Bioslam is over, and the reign of Big Daddy Bolero begins. See you September 7th, for SLAMHAIN!